Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18)
Don't fret about your work schedule or summer classes, Aquarius. None of it matters in comparison with your overwhelming need for acceptance. Learn to please those around you by baking oatmeal cookies without raisins, lathering unscented lotion on your hands and refusing to talk about politics in the workplace. Trust the stars on this one, people will like you more if you follow our advice. Your lucky surgery is: Bone marrow transplant.
Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20)
Nervous? Anxious? Concerned? No problem! Eating kale and quinoa and then telling everyone that you eat healthy will really not make you feel any better, so cut it out. Instead, head to the hills on a bird watching excursion and watch your mental anxieties fade away like a wisp of e-cigarette smoke. Your lucky conversation topic is: Thrift Store finds.
Aries (March 21- April 19)
Grab a shovel and get digging, because a hidden treasure is hidden beneath your apartment complex. Channel your inner Nicholas Cage and bring this relic to the Dunbar Library at midnight next Saturday. A man named Gregorius will be waiting for you. Do not give him the relic. In fact, don't even talk to Gregorius. He's weird. Instead, give the relic to Sandra on the fourth floor. She will tell you what to do next. Your lucky breakfast food is: Egg whites.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Eating lemons will spiritually change you, Taurus. Let the alkaline and bitter juices transform you into the Disney guru your mother always wanted you to be. Your lucky conversation topic is: Disney princes.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
The story of the Muffin Man has always haunted you, Gemini. But no more. The Muffin Man was recently reported dead on the side of a dirt road in Illinois. The cause of death? Choking on a poppy seed. You may finally sleep in peace. Your lucky conversation topic is: Poppy seeds.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Watching politics tends to rile you up, Cancer. You love to scream at the television when the politician you hate most says something idiotic or nonsensical. However, your neighbors are getting uncomfortable with the gratuitous profanity they hear through the paper-thin walls. It's time to cut it out, or you'll be evicted. Trust the stars, Cancer, cut the politics or get booted from your apartment. Your lucky conversation topic is: Birth control.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You don't trust people easily, Leo, and that's because you've been burned in the past - by a frying pan. Don't use this previous frying pan incident as a reason to not trust those around you, especially your significant other. The only way to overcome your really weird mental block is to watch romantic comedies and hope that you will learn to trust again. Your lucky conversation topic is: Grappling hooks.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
Your love life has been pitiful lately. Actually, it's been pretty pitiful for years now, but people don't know that. You've kept your sad little existence bottled up inside, refusing to let potential romantic partners through your rock-solid facade. It's time for a change. The stars have finally given you the green light to go on dates again. Your lucky conversation topic is: Seedlings.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
Things are getting hot, Libra, and I'm not talking about this Ohio heat wave. Things are heating up between you and a lover, but the stars do not approve. In fact, the stars really, really dislike your choice in partner and are totally not okay with you being with them anymore. By next Saturday, a disaster will occur - a seemingly random disaster - and you will never see them again. Drink your fill now, Libra. Your life is about to drastically change. Your lucky cheese is: Gouda.
Scorpio (October 23- November 21)
Grab a napkin, because the grease from all that pizza you've been eating is dripping off your chin and leaving insane grease marks on your shirt. Drop the pizza and look to healthier foods instead. Trust the stars, Scorpio, your blood pressure needs it. Your lucky conversation topic is: "Final Fantasy."
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Hit the road and don't look back, Sagittarius. The pain you've been enduring is nothing compared to what you could experience if you don't get out of town as soon as possible. Once you've escaped the Daytonian chains, the weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You're welcome. Your lucky conversation topic is: Gas mileage.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Your love life is hot, Capricorn, and that's because you just met Karl the maintenance guy. Man, those guys really know how to use a wrench, am I right? Take your new found love to new heights by making it public on Facebook, and making appearances at your local Ritters. Be cautious of the newly divorced, however. Your new guy is exactly the sort of prey they're looking for ever since their shower drain started to clog and they have no one to fix it. Your lucky conversation topic is: Tuffets.
